Puns for the "Intellectual" Mind

Okay. A friend sent me this Email.  I think I may have seen it before, but it still made me laugh.  I am adding some clip art, photos, etc.  I would give the writer credit if I knew who he or she was... I REALLY wish I had written some of these... Giggle, giggle, snort, guffaw... Not that I understand why, but, #1, # 13, and # 20 make me laugh.  Over and over.  How 'bout you?

1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I'll go on a head.”

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



17.  A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,  you'd be in Seine .



20. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says,
 “I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

21. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “Dam!”

22. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



23. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I've lost my electron. ”The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I'm positive.”

24. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


SHALOM  Y'ALL  -  TWYLA   :) 

The Sisters of Sarcasm

      Well, it's not that I really wanted the title... I earned it!
     Once upon a time, there were three women who all happened to enter nursing school at the same time.  They met in the back row of nusring 101, which was held in the auditorium.  Much of the early lectures was so basic as to nearly bring tears of boredom...one dark comment led to another, and the three of us became sisters.  Sisters in womanhood. Sisters in the fight to stay sane going to college in our thirties while surrounded by giggling girls just out of highschool.  Sisters in the  high form of humor known as sarcasm.  Not the HURTING kind, mind you... the intelligent kind of sarcastic humor... the kind that requires a knowledge of grammar, syntax, even spelling.  To be a sister of sarcasm, you also had to be a pro at puns.  And, like the stand-up comics, timing was everything.
     For example,  we took Anatomy and Physiology over the Summer;  this was the full course, usually lasting  three months,  crammed into six weeks.  To pass this class, you had to live, breathe, and eat Anatomy and Physiology for those six weeks.  There were four hours of lecture five days a week, plus lab time, which was when the REAL learning went on!   Being a cat lover all my life, I was absolutely mortified to open the drawer in the "morgue" and find that the subject of our dissection was feline!  Our threesome, the sisters of sarcasm, drew straws to see who would have "the honors" of doing the initial removal of fur, skin and fascia. Ugh.  Needless to say, I drew the short straw...
     Let me tell you, removing any sort of fur or skin which has been soaking in formaldehyde for a year or so is difficult!  Yucky. Smelly.  Even though we wore gloves, I had that formaldehyde odor stuck in my nostrils and in my hands the entire six weeks! I lost thirty pounds!!!  Maybe I should try it again sometime soon... (See, that was a bit of sarcasm, yes?)
     But, I digress. The three of us were lab "partners".  Yes, I know, partners implies two, but, there were three nontheless.  As I mentioned above, I was the one who removed all the outer stuff. revealing muscles, tendons, nerves, organs, and veins and arteries which had been injected with blue and red latex dyes so that they would show up. All the body systems were displayed before us.  Then, our instructor walked over, saw that the poor ol' cat had a big tumor on its bladder and declared that we would have to start over... the cat cadaver wasn't "safe" for us to work on, and would have to be incinerated.

I'll bet these cat owners wanted to incinerate them!

    
Oh, man!  Now, we had to do all the preliminary work over again!  And, this setback put us behind the other students.  Once again, we drew straws to see who would have to do the dirty work.  And, once again, I drew the short straw.  Disgusted, I dove into the project. Quickly this time.  No "Poor Kitty... I wonder if it was somebody's pet."  Just cut, tear, rip, cut, pull... well, you get the idea.  I got our second cat stripped in about one-tenth the time it took to do the first one.  The instructor came over for inspection, and said, " Well, Twyla, what have you learned so far?"  Deadpan, I replied, "There's more than one way to skin a cat."

       Okay, so I'm actually the Queen of Sarcasm.  I can't seem to help myself.  Puns, jokes, song lyrics, nicknames, rhymes, and odd little plays on words run through my movie screen all the time.  It's not that I WANT to be a smart***;  it just seems to be who I am!

You didn't really think I'd show a picture of me in the shower...

       Some people provide more fodder for this type of humor than others.  Enter Moshe... He walks into it on an almost constant basis.  For example, this morning  I was in the bathroom taking a shower.  Moshe walks in, and says, "Hey,  are you taking a shower?"  My reply, "No, I'm just in here checking to see if the water's working."  One day a couple months ago, I was in the kitchen.  I had the big pressure cooker going, two or three big pots cooking on the stove, canning jars everywhere... It's 90+ degrees in the kitchen, and I'm soaking wet from work, heat, and humidity.  Moshe walks in the back door and says, "Are you hot?"
Reply, "No. I LIKE looking like this. Oh, and feeling like this, too."


The Queen, wearing her crown...
                    


      Fortunately, Moshe always laughs. Well, almost always...  One time we were having a loud discussion - y'know what I mean?  Okay, we were arguing!  I don't remember at all what about.   I had gone to bed on the sofa.  Uh-oh!  In the middle of the night a naked Moshe came out to the living room to try to make ammends.I said something not-nice, and Moshe said,  "Well, I guess you think you wear the pants in this house."   My reply, "Well, I'm the only one wearing any."  He didn't laugh that time.


Shalom Y'all - Twyla