Life is fragile and so am I. Friday God sent us Chestnut, the brand new baby goat. I briefly posted about him that evening, showing pictures of Moshe holding him, Moxie bathing him, etc. But, by 5 AM Saturday morning, little Chessie had "gone to goat heaven". I got up with him several times during the night, concerned because he wasn't interested in drinking the goats milk Moshe brought from the farm. Finally, at 3 AM I got up and took him into the office to better inspect him, see what I could do for him. It was pretty clear at that point that Chessie wasn't going to make it. I fixed a pallet of quilts and pillows on the office floor. Moxie and Casper immediately joined me in my vigil on the floor, with little Chestnut curled up in my right arm, the other animals nuzzling him. Moxie whined softly; she - like me - is constantly wanting to mother whatever creature enters her life... I prayed one of those selfish prayers, "Lord, please let this little baby goat live. Please don't make me have to tell Moshe that his sweet little baby goat has died." I immediately recognized the presumptuousness of such a prayer, and contritely added, "Nevertheless Thy will be done... I know that You know better than I do." |
| Moxie greeting Chestnut |
So, I cried when little Chessie died. And I cried when, indeed, I had to tell Moshe of our loss. And I cried again when Moshe carried that precious little body, wrapped in a white towel, and took Chessie outside to be buried. We had a quiet day. My Mom called in the afternoon, having read Moshe's addendum to his blog in which he tersely wrote that Chestnut had not lived through the night. Mom and I agreed that there was most likely something physically wrong with Chestnut to start with... and, that's why his mother abandoned him. Nature seems cruel, but, somehow animals have more sense than we people do.
Last night I awakened around midnight, thought of our precious little Chessie, and cried for all the mothers and fathers out there who have lost an infant child.. I can not begin to fathom the pain one must feel, having anticipated the birth of a baby all those months only to lose him in infancy. Much as we hurt when we lose a pet, it is not even noteworthy in comparison. I do think, though, that losing animals prepares us for the loss of friends and family... a "trial run" of grief.
This morning I washed all the towels that had been Chestnuts' bedding in the basket that served as his bed. When I carried the basket to set it by the back door, Moxie got excited. She stood up, pranced like she does when she's happy, and wagged her tail crazily. I realized that she must have thought Chestnut was "back", and I had to show her that the basket was empty. Very empty.
I have no doubt that my little family and I will have other babies to nurse throughout the years. It's just a matter of Gods' timing. It may be tomorrow; it may be sometime far away. This experience with Chestnut taught me several things, the first one being that I need to have pet/animal supplies on hand... preemie diapers, syringes and/or doll bottles for feeding, a spare heating pad or two...soft white towels or small blankets. Next time I will be better prepared. Although I realize that preparedness would not have helped Chessie, I will nevertheless be more prepared. Next time.
SHALOM Y'all - Twyla
