Funny Stories

    I remember when I was in sixth grade, our teacher told us about the word "funny".  He said there are lots of different meanings to "funny".  There is funny-comical, funny-sad, funny-facetious, funny-suspicious, even funny-stinky.  There's funny-insolent,  funny-peculiar,  funny-ill, and funny- ludicrous.  So, I thought I'd try to tell some stories from my life to illustrate the facets of funny..


       Funny-Comical:  One Saturday morning, many years ago,  I was cleaning house and my little girl was watching television.   Because the living room - and, thus the TV- were in the center of the house, I had to walk past her to get from room to room as I cleaned.  Every time I wanted to walk past her, she would stick out her legs and say, "You have to pay the fee for the toll bridge."  I would dutifully drop an imaginary coin into the imaginary toll booth, and she would lower her legs.  Then, her game escalated to her saying, "You have to guess the magic word, and then I'll lower the bridge and you can get by."  I cooperated with this several times.  Of course, "the magic word" was different with each passage through the room, and the task grew more and more difficult and complicated with each trip. Mind you, on various trips, I was lugging around a load of laundry, a mop pail and mop, or a vacuum cleaner. On the final trip, she said, "You'll have to guess the magic word to pay the toll for the toll bridge to be lowered. (Giggle, giggle. giggle; smirk, smirk, smirk)".  So, I turned my backside toward the "toll bridge" and farted! You never saw a pair of little legs jerk down so fast!  The days of paying for the toll bridge were over!


  Funny-Sad: One day, when I was in my early twenties, I drove my grandmother to the post office.  As she was getting in the car, there was an advertisement on the radio for "Publisher's Clearing House"... You know the drill... "You can win One Million Dollars!  Just imagine Ed McMahon and the Publisher's Clearing House van arriving at you doorstep with YOUR check for One Million Dollars!!!"  So, like most people, I started into a discussion of what I would do if I won a million dollars.  I listed the typical things a young person would list: buy a house, a new car, travel...  Then, I asked Grama what she would do if she won a million dollars.  Her reply: "Oh, I couldn't accept it.  If I took the million dollars, they'd take away my Social Security checks." (Honest - this is a TRUE story... Her answer is permanently seared in my brain.  And, by the way, her check was about one-hundred dollars a month.) Sad-funny.


  Funny-facetious:  I've told this story before, but it's the best example I can think of.  While I was in the shower, my husband stuck his head in the bathroom and asked, "Oh, are you taking a shower?"  My reply, "No, I'm just checking to see if the hot and cold faucets are working."
     Funny-suspicious:  Last month we got an electric bill with an extra fee for fifteen dollars - no explanation, no nothing.  I said, " Y'know, there's something funny about this bill."  Neither of us laughed.
     Funny-stinky:  One evening after we went out to eat with another couple, they came in and visited for a while at our house.  We were all sitting in the living room, when our friend picked up the newspaper, folded it, and started waving it over the dog.  It took a moment, but then we surmised that something "smelled funny" in the general dog vicinity...


      Funny-insolent:  When I was in ninth grade, we had a math teacher who was...well...not very nice.  She was very picky about everything.  I remember the first day of class she told us (among other things), "If you ever think you need to "upchuck", just get up and leave the room!  Don't ask for permission... just leave the room... quickly."  Fast forward to near the end of the school year, and one of the more colorful characters in the classroom suddenly got up and started to leave the room.  The teacher shouted, "Stop! What do think you are doing?  And, don't get funny with me, young man!!!"  (funny-insolent).  He turned, and puked all over her shoes.  Miraculously, we all stifled our laughter until after the class was dismissed.
  

 Funny-peculiar:  Once I was at an art show where a few of my watercolor paintings were on display.  I ran into an ex-coworker with a speech impediment, who said, " Wow!  I didn't wealize you wah so AUTISTIC!"  I replied, "Oh, that's okay.  Most people don't know that about me."  (Oooh!  A double-"funnyism" ...  his comment was funny-peculiar, and my reply was funny-facetious!!!)
     Funny-ill:  I was in a very serious car accident.  It had snowed and iced, but the roads had been plowed and salted, and I was on my way home from work..  A semi truck ran into the passenger side of my car in the middle of an intersection.  My car slid on the ice and was caught by a guardrail on the driver's side.  The fire department had to pry the car open with "the jaws of life".  I was unconscious during the "prying", but I awakened as they were starting to move me, and I said, "I feel funny."
     Funny-ludicrous:  There was this guy I dated for a while.  He belched.  Loud. And a lot.  I tried to tease with him and "make light of it" by saying things like, "Wow!  I  REALLY like that!"  Or, "Gosh, I don't know what I'd ever do if you stopped that..."  One day we had a big argument, and the guy, always one for one-upmanship,  hollered, "Oh yeah, well, I don't think you really meant it when you said you liked my burps!"  (Gee, ya' think?)
     So, those are my definition-of-funny stories.  Hope you got a laugh or two out of them.

Shalom  Y'all - Twyla